Lately, my depression has reached alarming levels, leaving me in a state of deep concern for my mental well-being. Yet, amidst the darkness, I have experienced the unwavering goodness of God.
I honestly don't believe I've ever experienced the depth of comfort and love and support that I believe God has given me recently. It's quite overwhelming and perhaps in the past, I wasn't prepared to receive them. However, a transformative moment occurred today when I felt God's gentle whisper in my ear. It was as if His steady hand was soothing my heart, allowing it to beat properly. Without anxiety or worry. Just peace. Today my eye were flowing with tears of relief for the first time in years.
"As soon as I stop worrying Worrying how the story ends I let go and I let God Let God have His way
That's when things start happening When I stopped looking at back then I let go and I let God Let God have his way" - DeWayne Woods
As I navigated new experiences in my business and relationships, I got this strong feeling that God is showing me very vividly how He's protected me. In a heartfelt conversation with Isaiah (my boyfriend), I poured out my feelings to God, expressing that I've felt for so long that I've always had to fight for myself. In response, I heard God say to me, "Let me fight for you."
It is remarkable how God provides the support and love we truly need, often in unexpected ways. I played this song the Holy Spirit put on my heart today, and it played the two words I know I’ve needed to do but have felt so stuck in actively putting into practice. “Let go and Let God”. I used to think that financial success and a thriving career were the primary ways God would help me. However, I have come to realize that it's not about material wealth; it's all about Him. Can I trust God enough to provide for me? Can I submit to His protection? These questions have weighed heavily on my mind.
"The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." Exodus 14:14
During my conversation with Isaiah, he pointed out that my level of submission has been very low. And truthfully, he was right. It wasn't because I wanted to be uptight or stubborn, but rather because I had experienced pain and disappointment when I let go of control in the past. Releasing my grip on things led me to uncomfortable situations, rejection, and even loneliness. As a result, I started projecting my fear of failure onto my relationship with Isaiah and my relationship with God.
I had mistakenly associated submission with vulnerability and being exposed to potential harm. I allowed my past experiences to taint my perception of surrendering control. However, in doing so, I inadvertently distanced myself from the fullness of the support and love that God had to offer.
In retrospect, I realize that my expectations were misplaced. I had burdened my relationship with Isaiah and my relationship with God with the weight of anticipating failure and rejection from others. By doing this, I prevented myself from fully embracing the transformative power of surrender and submission.
Today, I acknowledge that true submission does not lead to dirt, rejection, and loneliness. Instead, it opens the door to a deeper connection with Isaiah and with God. It allows me to trust in their guidance, protection, and provision. Through genuine submission, I am learning to release my expectations of failure and rejection and to instead embrace the peace and strength that come from surrendering to a higher power.
Today marked a significant turning point for me. I finally grasped the freedom to be who I truly am. I can laugh, cry, express my preferences, voice my opinions, or choose to keep them to myself. The grip that held me back for so long is loosening, allowing me to live according to God's guidance. I can now embrace my true self without feeling guilty or worrying about others' potential judgments. It's not about others' opinions or expectations but about living the way God intended me to be.
As I continue on this journey, I am gradually understanding that true submission is not a sign of weakness, but an act of courage and trust. It is a conscious choice to let go of my need for control and to place my faith in the wisdom and love of Isaiah and God. In doing so, I am finding liberation from the shackles of fear and self-doubt, and I am experiencing a newfound freedom to live authentically and confidently.
You might not think I’m smart. But I do. You might not think I’m caring enough. But I do. You might not like the way I speak. But I do. You may not like ME. But I do.
Even if others don't find me funny, smart, caring enough, or appreciate the way I speak, I have come to embrace these aspects of myself. My self-worth is no longer dependent on their validation. Instead, I find my value in God's profound love and acceptance. Their opinions no longer hold power over me because I prioritize aligning my life with God's purpose, rather than constantly worrying about what others might say.
Amidst my battle with depression, I have discovered a renewed sense of hope and self-acceptance through my unwavering faith in God. His goodness and protection have become evident as I learn to surrender control and trust in His provision. With newfound courage, I am embracing authenticity and letting go of the burdens that held me back. In God's love, I find my true worth and can live confidently, appreciating and accepting myself just as I am.